Don’t assume real marriage is when people remember birthdays, anniversaries, gifting each other and never fighting. I used to think that fighting even if it meant fighting fair was for the incompatible. This is not true because there are several other things that play a role in the relationship.
Furthermore, most women marry their men thinking they will change them in future. They even end up putting up with most of their behaviors thinking with time things will be different.
On the side of men, most of them marry a woman thinking that she will never change but fortunately she changes. In every relationship, there must be change. This shows that all relationships are in constant motion and hence things should change with time.
In a relationship, there are times that one of the partners becomes happy, other time sad, greedy and rejecting. This is the time there are fights but the most important thing is how we fight. During major arguments, we get angry and lose control and hence we should do something to control ourselves.
As we are fighting, you must say to emotions you have no capacity to help me get there. It’s the time you need your adult tree the most and the time you have to step forward with a mature answer.
Fights begin with empathy. You first of all have to note that this is your lover that you are fighting now. You may disagree with his/her opinions but eventually a solution must come up.
Here are things you should avoid when fighting fair:
1. Don’t fear the issue
In every relationship, conflict is an opportunity to grow from your misunderstandings and your mistakes. The fact is that there are many conflicts that you will deal with in your life but you don’t have to fear the issue. This means you should receive this conflict well and at the end of it raise a difficult issue sensitively. This will offer both of you an opportunity to see each other and understand the roots of the argument.
2. Don’t win
Whenever you are arguing or fighting with your partner, you don’t have to see him or her as an antagonist. As a matter of fact, you should try to see as if both of you are in the same team. This means that neither of you should be aiming at scoring or winning the argument.
In a healthy relationship, arguments, debates and verbal fights are very common. According to Michele Meiche spiritual life coach, relationship coach and an intuitive counsellor, these arguments and disagreements are very healthy for couples.
She continued to say that these fights are reasonable and have some health impacts for most relationships. In such a case, what is not healthy is winning during an argument. What this means is that healthy discussions should be centred at making your point easy to understand and not just proving you are right.
3. Attack the issue not each other
I understand you are angry, and you are out of control. Now if you have to attack, don’t bombard your partner, attack the issue and save the partner. Don’t try to name call or even bring your partner down during arguments.
4. Don’t switch the topic
If you have to argue to come into a solution and avoid physical fights, then you have to stay on the issue at hand. Don’t try to bring in irrelevant arguments to prove your point. I understand in such a situation it’s so tempting to touch on past issues to confirm your point. You may as well be tempted to point the other person’s wrongness to prove your rightness but please don’t do this. This is actually one of the most successful ways of getting the argument off track.
5. Don’t confuse the issue
If you want to come up with a solution fast enough, you have to keep the topic straight. If you keep on fighting on different matters but always landing the same problem, you have to look for solutions independently and not just to mix the issues and confusing the topic. If you are this time arguing about money, keep the topic on money. I know there are several other reasons to fight, but now you have to limit your battle and keep the topic straight. Confusing the subject will just extend the time of argument and end up taking much of your time and energy.
6. Don’t underrate your feelings
Before the topic gets hot, try to give some time to your personal feelings. Give yourself some time to grow in self-awareness. As a matter of fact, having a good connection with your feeling is essential in handling any issue with anger.
7. Fight on mutual consent
If you have to fight, don’t insist on fighting when your partner is tired or when they are not ready for the fight. Just take your time and pick a time you are both prepared to come to an amicable solution. The fact is that a fair fight requires two willing and ready participants.
8. The time to fight is not now
If you can be able to say this confidently, then the tension and the heat of an argument will be low. What am trying to mean in this case is that you shouldn’t argue when you are hot and angry like hell. If you want to fight fair, then you should, first of all, give yourselves some little time to cool down. Don’t just fight because you are angry, fight because you want to come up with a lasting solution.
9. Don’t camouflage
Here is another thing you should never do. You should never try to evade the argument by just allowing your feelings to centre only on less important or even inessential issues. There may be several issues that are bringing up the argument, but the wisest thing to do in such a situation is to stay on your lane. Don’t dive in simply because you want the argument to end.
10. Find a neutral spot
It is always advisable to find a neutral fighting spot for your arguments. You don’t have to fight in a place where you think one of you will be down. The main reason for this is to make sure you will eventually come into an amicable solution. Both of you should be in a position to present your argument and points without fear.
11. Be clear and calm
In such cases, emotions can run high and to some extent can control you if you don’t manage them right from the start. In this case, you have to control your emotions and avoid using arrows you will later regret. Don’t say something that you will regret or something that you know will hurt your partner more. What this means is that you have to approach the fight with a calm demeanour. This way, you will be able to approach the fight and at the same time be able to think and respond rationally without overreacting.
Furthermore, people will be able to understand your view better if you are calm and non-defensive. If you are angry already, please take some little time to calm down and respond when you are okay.
12. State your grievances clearly
It’s now very clear that the partner needs to understand each point you say clearly. For this reason, you need to make vague accusations. If you have a complaint against the person, then you need to explain it clearly to your spouse. To back it very well, make sure you use examples to support your points. If you think that your partner interrupts you when you are talking, then it’s always a good thing to tell them to calm down and eventually wait for you to finish what you are saying.
13. Respect each other’s opinions and their being
You will never land a constructive solution if you don’t respect your partner and eventually understand their perspectives. As a matter of fact, it will not be a good fight if you disagree with your partner and don’t give him/her time to present their argument. It is upon you to take chances and understand what your partner is saying. In every explanation, say “I know we disagree’’ but now I want a solution without more fights.
14. Avoid physical fights
One of the main reasons why many marriages break is because of one party intentionally hurting the other. To make sure you come up with a lasting solution, you should avoid physically hurting the other party.
The above are the dos and don’ts when fighting fair. They are actually the main points that can significantly help you get a solution and prevent this issue from occurring again. It’s up to you to make sure there are little or no issues to deal with in future. They also apply in almost all types of fights and arguments. The secret, in this case, is to calm down and listen to your partner.